I have been trying to put into words how I have been feeling for the past three weeks. I thought I could just ignore how I have been feeling and it would go away but it has stuck around like a bad penny. Not addressing how I have been feeling feels like an injustice to his memory, however little I knew him, because the truth is that his death has affected me more than I thought it would.
I think all of us will blame ourselves to some extent. I, for one, will blame myself for not noticing. After all, I know what it is like to not be fine, to feel like getting up every morning is a struggle and to wonder what the world would be like without me. But I did not notice. I did not notice the emptiness in his eyes, the lack of enthuasiam in his voice, the lie behind the words, “I’m fine.”
I think the hardest part for me to understand is how he could have been doing everything right: attending therapy, taking medication and reaching out to friends and family and still it was not enough to save his life. The idea that some people are beyond saving terrifies me as I believe in the power of doctors and medication and it gives me hope that it will get better. We are taught as a society that if we only do this and this and this then we will be cured. But the harsh reality is that some illnesses will never have a cure and some people will suffer throughout their life.
Seeing how everyone has come together as a team after this tragic event and how many people have reached out to offer their support and assistance, has overwhelmed me. A man who felt so helpless could not have been less alone. It has really shown me the power of being a team and leaning on each other for support. It truly is the people in our lives that make life worth living.
He will never be forgotten by any of us as we move on with our lives. We will all remember him in the years to come whenever we face both good and bad fortune and we will each honour him in our own way. It is a great tragedy that his suffering was enough to take him from this world but I know that his brief time on this earth will not be for nothing.
May he rest in peace.